From the age of 13, when I discovered the opposite sex (the thought of the young, long-haired, curvy Kathy Chelini still makes my breath catch) I realized that the irresistible urge to reach an understanding with a female for the two of us to provide each other with friendship, affection, wise counsel and occasional nudity was a journey fraught with landmines.
At that age I realized that the emotions, strategies and overall thought patterns of those members of homo sapiens sapiens whose cells carry 23 X chromosomes are utterly baffling to me. I concluded that it was difficult - if not impossible - to accurately gauge when and if a girl was interested in me and whether that interest might culminate in pal-hood or true love. And then, once the game rules had more or less been laid out, it became even more challenging to determine whether at any given point my new gal pal/love of my life was secretly angry, sad, resentful, bored or suddenly curious about that new guy who just moved into the neighborhood.
So, when it came to girls, at 13 I was lost. Suffering from blissful optimism, I assumed that I'd figure the whole thing out long before I was 20. But I was still lost at 18. As well as 21. And 25. Thirty-three. Forty-two. Fifty. Even as recently as this past weekend.
I'm not so clueless to think that the women of my life haven't also been dumbfounded by me. Heck, my chaotic, inscrutable psyche has left enough dazed girls and women in its wake to populate a small town.
Fair enough. Still, I foresee a time when I'll no longer be bewildered by the mating imperative and all its attendant jealousies and misconceptions. Now, the age of 60 seems a fairly good target. How many 60-year-olds do you see running around fretting over love? Certainly by the age of 70 my worries will be over. At 80, such concerns will be dim memories.
That's why the phone conversation I had with my mother yesterday nags at me.
Ma turns 88 this year. Born in 1921, she remembers streetcars and horse-drawn milk wagons. She has lived through Pearl Harbor, the JFK assassination and 9/11. She's been toughened by life.
Yet she cried on the phone yesterday.
"Mike," she began dolefully, "I've been having trouble at church."
"Trouble at church!" I exclaimed. "How can you get into trouble at church? Whadja do, nail a list of theses to the door?"
"This isn't a joke!"
"Okay. Sorry. What happened."
"Well, there's this usher...."
Uh oh.
"... I think he likes me. He always goes out of his way to say hi to me. He flirts with me. He smiles at me. One time, during the collection, I had to dig for my envelope in my purse while he stood there holding the basket. He patted me on the shoulder and said, 'Don't worry, that's alright.' I think he liked standing next to me for so long."
"Well Ma, that's nice, isn't it?" I offered, trying to erase from my mind the image of a bent, wizened old buzzard lurking over my mother's pew.
"No it isn't! He's married!"
Oy.
"His wife knows what's going on. She watches us like a hawk. Now she's always giving me the evil eye. Every time I turn around, I see her staring at me. After mass, she stands at the back of the church and I have to pass right by her. It's so uncomfortable!
"Mike, I would never come between a man and his wife. She looks at me like I'm a hoor! It's getting to be too much. Ever since your father died, I've never even wanted to see another man. Now this woman thinks I'm trying to steal her husband."
With that, Ma began to weep.
"Ma, Ma, you can't let this lady get to you. It's her problem if she's jealous."
"I know," she said between sobs. "But she's friends with everybody at church. I don't want her telling everybody I'm a bad woman.
"It's gotten so bad, I even stayed away from church for a few weeks."
That's bad. Ever since Ma started catching sight of the end, she's been hedging her bets with the putative creator of the Universe, praying like a monk and attending mass, well, religiously. Now she's afraid to go to church and beg her god not to banish her to everlasting hell. All because of some jealous wife.
Has anybody ever figured this stuff out?
