I've been a criminal my entire life. I've lied, cheated, and stole. I've broken municipal laws, state laws, federal laws, God's laws, and, for all I know, every section of the Napoleonic Code. I've broken most of the 10 Commandments. If there were 15 Commandments I would have figured out a way to break them, too.
Like most career criminals, I began exhibiting antisocial tendencies at a young age. I can't remember when I first began jaywalking, using bad language, and keeping library books past their due date. I do recall my first heist, however. I stole a Yo-Yo - I believe it was a Duncan - from the toy department at Goldblatt's when I was about 10 years old. Don't laugh. My criminal career had to start somewhere. You don't think Dillinger started his career by robbing banks, do you? He probably got his start just like any crook: shaking down school kids for lunch money.
My behavior got progressively worse as I got older. I started drinking and smoking before it was legally permissible. I flouted curfews and truancy statutes. I gambled on sporting events and played quarter-limit poker with other young hooligans. At the time, poker was sleazy and illegal, as opposed to the game now being legal but still sleazy.
At the age of 15 I got caught riding in a stolen car. I didn't actually steal the car, abet the theft, or even know it was stolen. I was a victim of circumstance, as Curly Howard used to say. All I did was accept a ride from a kid I knew, also a young criminal, who had committed the theft. Everything was straightened out at the police station and I was released. The car thief got off with probation. I heard he prospered in politics later in life.
Every few years I discovered new laws to break. In the late 60's I started smoking pot then moved on to the joys and sorrows of LSD, mescaline, and peyote, all of them illegal. On occasion, I trafficked in those substances, more to ensure a steady supply than to make money.
At roughly the same time I discovered that certain loving acts between consenting adults were illegal in several states. I took particular pleasure in promptly breaking those laws, too. I especially enjoyed #*$%(@!^# (Sorry, Milo went too far this time - The Eds.)
I was probably stoned on some illegal substance at the time, so I don't recall if the following conversation actually took place.
"Come on, honey, try it. You might like it."
"I don't know. Sounds kind of weird to me."
"It'll make you feel good."
"You mean it'll make you feel good."
"Loosen up, honey. It's very popular in France."
"It just seems dirty."
"How can it be dirty? It's an act of love."
"I'd like to. I really would. Just let me make a quick phone call first."
(She returns)
"Sorry, Milo, I called my attorney and he said it's illegal in this state."
"Shit. How far away is the Indiana state line?"
By my middle 30's I had committed every crime in the book, except for murder, rape, arson, treason, armed robbery, burglary, fraud, kidnapping, forgery and a few others. Instead of mellowing with age I became even more depraved in my 40's, sometimes committing two or three brazen crimes a day, like parking in no parking zones, littering, and having an open container of liquor in my car.
I don't know what the future holds, but I expect that my criminal actions will just get more egregious. The sad thing about my long life of crime is that I feel absolutely no remorse. My only regrets are for acts I didn't commit. But I still have time. There's plenty of rip and roar left in this old dog. Don't say you haven't been warned. If you see me coming you better get out of the way.
I'm a bad, bad man.
