Big Mike: It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad....

The Loved One was reclining on the living room sofa, gazing out the window at the lush Kentucky greenery as we chatted. One cat was nestled in the crook of her arm, another in the crook of her leg. She should have been as relaxed as the government regulations that have led to our current economic mess.

We were, in fact, talking about the economy, in addition to the wars, the environment and the overall state of the union - all of which, we agree, had been criminally mismanaged by George W. Bush and his consiglieres.

I'm glad we agree on such basic issues. I can't imagine sharing bathroom space, dinner dishes and the living room sofa with someone whose political views are as dissimilar as, say, those of Mary Matalin and James Carville. I recall when this horrifying two-headed gargoyle first made news, back in the early 90s. They were celebrated for their purported all-consuming love that overcame any differences they might have had regarding such trivialities as capital punishment, abortion, lending a hand to those in need and killing brown people for the sake of inexpensive gasoline. In fact, there were even a movie and a TV program based on their laugh-a-minute media personae.

So, despite the two of us singing to each other's choir, The Loved One seemed tense, almost bubbling over with ire.

"Didja hear that report on NPR this week?" she asked.

"No, which?"

"The one about the American woman in Iraq."

"Tell me all."

The Loved One raised herself up on her elbows. "It makes me so mad, I could..., I could...," she fumed. She paused for a moment to find the right words.

"Go on," I said.

"Well, she worked for Halliburton."

"Yeah, Dick Cheney's old outfit."

"The things I could do to Dick Cheney...," she spluttered.

"Uh huh."

"She went outside the barracks for a drink with four other Halliburton people, all men. One of them handed her a beer. She took a few sips and she was unconscious, just like that."

"They roofied her?"

"Yeah. Then they raped her, front and back. They manhandled her breasts so badly that they're deformed now. She woke up and one of the guys was still there, sleeping. She tried to get them prosecuted but guess what - private contractors in Iraq can't be prosecuted for crimes they commit there.

"It makes me so mad! She's there trying to protect the people of Iraq but who protects her - from her own people?"

"My god."

"Here's what I want to do," The Loved One said through narrowed eyes. "I'd like to sneak into Dick Cheney's house in disguise and torture him. You know how he doesn't think torture is all that bad, right? Only I'd do to him what those guys did to that woman and I'd make sure he was awake for it all. I'd want him to feel it all!"

Normally, The Loved One is the picture of compassion and sensitivity (except when we argue; but, I admit, I can enrage even a lamb at times.) For this brief moment, though, she was the emotional sibling of my next door neighbor Captain Billy, who regularly rages about Mexicans, Democrats, Arabs and other miscreants who, in his view, ought to be slaughtered.

The whole world seems to be mad. Kim Jong Il is waving his primitive little nukes around like a four-year-old displaying his penis. The Taliban is blowing up innocents in Pakistan. The Jews and the Palestinians, natch, are still at it. al Qaeda's probably cooking up some kind of perverse birthday cake for us at this very minute. And pasty, jowly, bilious white men like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Lou Dobbs and Bill O'Reilly are shrieking at us every day on radio and TV, whipping the anencephalic dopes of this nation (of whom there are a scary many) into action.

You think the recent killings at a Marine recruitment center, a doctor's church in Omaha and the National Holocaust Museum are flukes? I'm afraid they're trumpet blasts for opposing cavalries. I'm afraid, period. When I say the whole world seems to be mad, I mean both angry and insane.

The world occasionally has a nervous breakdown. We may be headed for the padded room right now. And when my normally placid mate suddenly has a taste for blood, I wonder if the world has come unhinged already.

Benny Jay: Talkin' Tony The Teeth Cleaner

It's dentist day. Damn. I hate everything about it. Can't stand sitting in the chair with the teeth cleaner hovering over me. Can't stand the sound of the drill. Can't stand the scratchy sound the scalpel makes when it scrapes across my teeth....

Plus, it's raining. Got wet running from the car. Sitting in the lobby reading an old copy of The New Yorker. Must be from March. I hear a drill in the distance. I feel a headache coming on....

I hear my name. I look up. It's Tony! The world's greatest teeth cleaner. He leads me to the chair and already I'm feeling brighter. Haven't had him in years. Forgot he even worked here.

He's not like most teeth cleaners who don't say anything until your mouth's open wide and then they ask you a question. Like they really care about what you have to say even though they know you can't possibly say anything intelligent with your mouth open wide. Is this passive aggressive or what?

But Tony doesn't ask questions. He talks. He's this gay guy from a small-town in Michigan and he has a sixth sense for the inconsistencies in life -- like how we say one thing and do something else. It's like having a stand-up comic chatting away while he cleans your teeth. Not a Rodney Dangerfield comic, more like a Jerry Seinfeld. You know, situational humor....

"I used to have a dog, but I gave her away...."

"Why?" Only it comes out "ahy" cause my mouth is open.

"She hated me...."

"Ril-ly?"

"I never heard of a dog who hates its owner. Usually, they love whoever feeds them, right? But this dog hated me. She used to leave the room when I came in. She would sit on the other end of the couch when I was watching TV. I could have grown beef jerky for armpit hair and she still would have hated me...."

"Goo' wah....."

"The funny thing is -- she loves the people I gave her to. They call me up, `oh, she's the sweetest little dog. Cuddles with us at night.' She never cuddled with me. She wouldn't even get in bed with me...."

I spit. He starts talking about his family -- not sure how the topic comes up. He has two brothers in the Army. Both overseas -- Iraq, Afghanistan. For awhile one of his brother was stationed in Kuwait: "I sent him a guide book -- things to do in Kuwait. Art museums to go to, restaurants to eat at. He calls me, `Tony, I'm not on vacation -- this is war.' I'm like -- `well, you still have to eat.....'"

He turns on the drill:"I'm the only boy in my family who didn't join the military. My father was a Marine. He used to wake me up early. `Get out of bed, soldier.' I mean -- soldier? Good God, I'm like 12 and he's calling me soldier. If I did something wrong, he'd make me rake the leaves. `You're gonna rake the leaves until I'm tired.' I was so literal minded. I'm thinking -- `how can that be? I'm raking the leaves -- not him.'"

He turns off the drill: "When I was 17, I told my father I wasn't going to the military. It devastated him. But there was no way -- just no way -- I was going to the Army or the Marines. Especially the Marines...."

"Is he still in the Marines?"

"No. He left the Marines and became a computer programmer. He works at a hospital. He's big time in the union...."

"So he's a Democrat?"

"Are you kidding me? He voted for McCain. I'm like -- hello! You're in a union. You work in a hospital. Why are you a Republican? It's all that Marine in him. He's incapable of being a Democrat. He still can't pronounce Obama's name. He calls him Obamba -- like the song. Does this make sense? None of this makes sense. But since when did life make sense...."