For the past 25 years years I've made my living in the advertising business. I've worked for mainly small- to medium-size agencies and for the last 10 years I've run my own small company, called Big Sky Studios.
When I tell people I'm in the ad business, they sometimes ask me what I do. Am I a designer, account exec, media buyer? "No, " I answer, "I am a professional bullshitter."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that I'm an advertising writer, the person who comes up with catchy headlines and informative copy that are supposed to convince you that the products or services I'm writing about are things you can't live without. In essence, I'm a salesman with a keyboard."
I've met a lot of interesting people in the ad business. On the creative side - meaning art directors, designers and writers - the business is filled with very talented people. Many of them could be very succesful in other creative endeavors. I've also met some very nice people from the business side of advertising - account managers, media buyers and upper echelon executives. Many of these people could also succeed in other business environments and often do.
On the other hand, I've also met a lot of raging assholes, unscrupulous and unethical people, some who are borderline psychotics and others who are shameless thieves. Sadly, the ad business seems to attract nutcases. It is an industry driven by creativity, the almighty dollar and merciless deadlines, a combination guaranteed to bring out the worst in people.
One of the most unscrupulous and unethical people I ever met in the business was a guy I'll call Lou, who owned a mid-size agency that specialized in direct mail, or what some people refer to as "junk mail." Lou had the trifecta of despicable character traits: he was an ego-ridden maniac with a penchant for screaming at his employees; a thief who cheated clients and vendors alike; and - worst of all, in my opinion - he despised the business that made him a wealthy man. He hated his clients, loathed his vendors and mistreated his employees. One of his favorite sayings was, "All clients are pigs."
He was also insanely jealous of anyone in the business who was more successful than he was. Just mentioning the name of of someone like Leo Burnett or David Ogilvy, founder of Ogilvy & Mather, would set Lou off.
"Leo Burnett was a rotten old bastard, stole his best ideas and ended up with a billion-dollar agency. I make it a point to piss on his grave a couple of times a year. And don't get me started on Ogilvy. He's nothing but a Limey faggot who came over here and bullshitted everyone with that greasy English charm. What the fuck did either of those cocksuckers ever accomplish other than stick their noses about a foot and a half up their clients' asses? You tell me."
If you were foolish enough to point out that Burnett and Ogilvie were part of a small group that virtually invented modern advertising, Lou would turn on you. He would call you vile names and probably cut your Christmas bonus in half - that is, if the cheap bastard planned on giving out bonuses at all.
I saw Lou do a lot of underhanded things, but the most outrageous was when he cheated our biggest client. It was a case of blatant theft and the funny thing was he could have gotten away with it if he had not been so stupid.
The client put in an order for thousands of ball caps with its company logo on them. Lou immediately called the most expensive vendor in town and got a quote of $16,000. He then marked up that price $4000 and presented the client with a quote for $20,000. The client agreed to the price.
That's when Lou went to work. He immediately began searching for a vendor who would provide the ball caps at a lower price. After talking to dozens of suppliers, he finally found a small mom and pop shop that would do the job for $3000.
Despite the new rock bottom price, Lou stayed true to his nature and refused to pass on the savings to his client. When the mom and pop shop invoice arrived, Lou let it sit on his desk for months. That was his style. He hated to pay vendors. He would string them along for months, waiting until they threatened to sue, then send them a pittance, just enough to satisfy "legal good faith" requirements. Then the whole dragged-out payment process would begin again.
In this case, the mom and pop shop got tired of waiting and pulled an end run. They sent a copy of the invoice directly to our client. Shortly afterwards, I got a call from Jeff, my contact at the client.
"Hey, Milo, I've got an invoice sitting on my desk from the ball cap company."
"That's strange."
"They sent it here because you guys haven't paid them and the invoice is six months old."
"Heh, heh. Must be some sort of mistake."
"Perhaps. Oh, and by the way, can you explain why were were charged $20,000 for a job that you paid three thousand for?"
I may be a professional bullshitter, but I didn't even try to bullshit my way out of that one. The client fired us a week later. And a few weeks after that I gave my two week notice. After all, there's only so much bullshit a pro can take.
