I'm on the phone with Milo, the world's smartest man, and we're doing what we've been doing too much of lately. We're going down the list of reasons for the long, sad slide of our beloved Bulls: Larry Hughes is selfish, Ben Gordon's short, Joakim Noah's flaky, Tyrus Thomas is inconsistent, Vinny Del Negro can't control the team.
We switch subjects to Barack Obama.
"Do you think he's really a good basketball player or is everyone who plays against him just afraid to guard him tight?" I ask.
"Well, Benny, think about it," says Milo. "How good can he be? He couldn't start for his high school basketball team in Hawaii. Hawaii, Benny -- it's not known as the bastion of good basketball. That's like a black kid from Detroit moving to Tokyo and not being able to start on his Japanese basketball team. That would be an embarrassment."
The other line beeps. It's my mother. She's enraged.
"Who is this witch?"
"What witch?"
"That lady...."
"What lady? I need more information...."
"Don't be fresh...."
"You mean, the new senator from New York?"
"Yes...."
How did I possibly know what she was talking about?
"She's a Blue Dog Democrat," says my mom.
"What's that?"
"That's a Democrat who's always a Democrat no matter what...."
"I thought that was a Yellow Dog Democrat....."
"That's what your father said...."
I go online and read the news story on the New York Times web page. "Her name is Kirsten Gillibrand, she's from outside of Albany and she's a moderate Democrat...."
"That's ridiculous. We don't need anymore moderate Democrats -- we need liberals. What'sa matter with liberals?"
"They're trying to reach out...."
"To who?"
"Republicans and....."
"Bullshit, we don't need Republicans. Let the Republicans pick Republicans. When do the Republicans reach out to us. These Democrats are such wimps. What's the matter with that governor in New York?"
"He's just trying to be like Obama, ma. You know, Obama says: `There are no red states and no blue states -- just the United States."
She ignores me: "Look on that thing and tell me if she's pro-choice...."
"What thing?"
"You know -- that thing where you look things up...."
"You mean the Internet?"
"Yes, that thing...."
"Okay, mom...."
Who We Are
- Big Mike Glab
- Back in the mists of prehistoric time at the dawn of the Reagan Era, two young writers - Benny Jay and Big Mike Glab - met in Chicago. We've spent the last few decades arguing about anything and everything and generally looking for ways to avoid conventional employment. We ain't young anymore. This is our world. Meet the losers, lovers, weedheads, out-of-work philosophers, fast-talking lawyers, sleazy politicians, hip-hop wannabes and all the other jugglers and clowns who wander in and out of our lives. Enjoy guest posts by luminaries such as Milo Samardzija, Gary's Greatest Writer and others. Now pay attention: this is American history unrolling right before your half-lidded eyes. Peace....